miércoles, 9 de noviembre de 2005

Open letter to President Bush

Mr. George W. Bush
President of the United States of America

Dear Mr. President:

I am writing to you from Costa Rica, a tiny speck of land in what is known as Central America. No, not Iowa. I mean Central America, as in what lies between Mexico and Colombia, not the heartland of what you call America. I am sure you are too busy, what with your very successful Iraqi campaign and with your most trusted advisors being so unfairly implicated in the case of the leak to the press of a CIA secret agent’s name. So I will ask you to forgive my audacity in writing to you from such an insignificant place at such an inopportune juncture, but this is important to my country.
Si usted prefiere leer la versión en español haga click aquí.
It so happens that last week you met the President of our tiny country in what must have been a very boring meeting in Mar del Plata, Argentina, where all the other guys insisted on speaking Spanish in spite of your presence there. He was the round-faced buffoon with 80’s-style bi-focals who apparently talked to you about the fact that ours is the only member country not to have yet ratified the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA). It has been reported in the local press that you told President Pacheco to take his time. This is exactly what I want to talk to you about.

You’ll see, our country is so tiny and insignificant that for a couple of years you did not care to send an Ambassador here. It is understandable. I am told that when you spread out your world map on the table to find out where the heck this country was the last time former Secretary of State Collin Powell brought up the issue, a fly stood on top of Costa Rica and Dick Cheney advised you to bomb the darned insect, after which a black hole replaced Costa Rica on the map and you just couldn’t find it.

This is relevant because, had you had an Ambassador here, perhaps he would have informed you that all Abel Pacheco has done since becoming President of Costa Rica is take his time. In fact, he takes time to take his time. The problem is he has been President since May of 2002. Bet you didn’t know that, busy as you were liberating Iraq from Al Qaeda. Never mind that Al Qaeda wasn’t there in the first place. Or that Al Qaeda was and still is hiding in that other country you already liberated from Al Qaeda, called Afghanistan. But I am straying from my point, which is that we Costa Ricans have been waiting for exactly three and a half years for our President to start doing something other than take his time to think (if, and this is a big if, he is at all capable of thinking), and now you come and tell him it is okay to take his time. Never mind that he has only six months to go as President of Costa Rica (and thank God we don’t have consecutive reelection in this country), or that all he is doing anyway is biding his time until his successor is chosen.

Dear Dubya: I appreciate the fact that you chose not to meddle in our internal affairs, harmful as your advice to Mr. Pacheco was. You would not believe his reaction. He was so happy that you, the self-proclaimed leader of the free world (which, of course, includes Iraq, Afghanistan, and your dear friends in Saudi Arabia) actually talked to him, that he hasn’t stopped talking about it and telling everyone that it is okay to keep procrastinating because you said so.

Mr. Bush, just in case you change your mind (and now that Karl Rove is toast,
it seems like you will be forced to change it) and decide that if Costa Rica doesn’t move forward with approval of CAFTA, then you should invade our country and turn us into a commonwealth of the United States, let me advise you against it. As President Bolaños of Nicaragua knows full well, we have the strongest and best trained armed forces in the region, and we are ready to drive yours away in a jiffy. Just in case you didn’t know, we in Costa Rica have 25 coast guards that were trained by the U.S. Marine Corps, and three Blackhawk helicopters. Right now they are busy preparing for the impending invasion of Nicaragua, but should you try your luck with us they will have no mercy on your soldiers.

Good night, and God bless... uhm ... God bless... uhm... what the heck: God bless the world.

Yours truly,

Dean CóRnito

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this letter do not necessarily reflect those of its author.

6 comentarios:

  1. Dean, I laughed so hard I almost cried, or was it that I cried so hard that I almost laughed? Let me personally apologize to your country from those of us left in mine with a conscience, for the warthog faced buffoon that (I did not vote for) was reelected despite his assassination of half the world... sigh.

  2. Oime, pasaron por casa unos gringuitos del Homeland Security preguntando por vos. Qué les digo?

  3. Ilana, I am glad you enjoyed it. And welcome back, we have missed you!

    Sole, deciles que me pasen a buscar cuando quieran. Mi dirección es: De la Iglesia Católica de San Eustaquio del Cuento Completo, 700 metros al norte, 100 largos al este, 700 al sur, y otros 100 largos al oeste. Frente al palo de mango al costado este de la Iglesia. Casa amarilla de un piso con reja café y cochera doble. Mi taxi pirata está parqueado al frente. ;-D

  4. i don't think this is funny.First of all the United States is fighting a war in order to protect the whole world. as in fighting Islamic fascism which goal is to kill all infidels that includes everybody. If you do not know what is islamic fascism i recommend you "Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against The West". Also i did not like how you treated Pacheco due to the fact that he set of various corruption charges against members of his own party.

  5. Estimado Tico Tuanis: tuanis de su parte haberse dado la vuelta por este rinconcito, aunque no estemos de acuerdo en nuestros comentarios. Espero que se haya dado cuenta de que esta carta fue escrita hace más de dos años y medio, y como cada escrito tiene su razón de ser en función del momento, no hay mucho más que explicar. Créame, yo no tengo mejor opinión de las intenciones del mundo islámico que usted, y eso lo podrá corroborar en algunos de mis más recientes posts, sobre todo aquellos donde critico a Oscar Arias por el acercamiento con tan dilectos países. Le recomiendo leer Oscar Arias y los Derechos Humanos, y apenas de pasadita Los nuevos progres del siglo XXI. Con respecto a Abel Pacheco, me permito informarle que él no hizo absolutamente nada por iniciar o afianzar los cargos de corrupción en contra de los expresidentes de su propio partido. El hecho de que haya sido Presidente de la República en ese momento fue una casualidad histórica, pero ni la investigación nació de su gobierno, ni la decisión de iniciar procedimientos legales contra Calderón y Rodríguez fue suya o de su gobierno. Y por lo demás, todo lo que hizo Abel Pacheco como Presidente fue sentarse a esperar el cambio de gobierno, de paso haciéndole gran daño al país. Sobre esto escribí más de un centenar de posts entre el 2005 y el 2006, de manera que lo invito a escudriñar los archivos de este blog.